Jenny Holzer said...

It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender

Street art by Jenny Holzer

It is summer, and I am thinking of old friends. Of the me that belongs only to them with nothing to be done about it. The helpless space they once filled. The places I’ve cut teeth and ties. Heat seeping out the oven. Electrical wire. I am hoping there is bravery in being bitter. I am hoping it is enough to be both angry and alive, because I am not sure I have it in me to be gentle and alive. 

It is hard to speak around the incisor and the tang, too much blood in my mouth to have space for much else. The books have you thinking it is at least sexy; it isn’t—no sweat-slick kisspunch, no fast-car-dark-night. I am a girl who spends too much time crying on the kitchen floor. 

Summer draws out in me the hurts of adolescence sitting below skin, the festering of the people I used to be. I have spent my entire life missing people: three year debacles, month long escapades. I miss my family, and I miss missing them. Still, my pride will kill me in the end, my staunch refusal to admit to anything like hurt or shame—so close to desire. 

I am asking to be soft, but I was born screaming and will likely die kicking. My best friend says I am love’s biggest non-believer, hopeless. Counterpoint—I am love’s biggest believer, hence: the terror. Want is a creature easiest to accept with eyes closed when the gore of it is akin to warm water. I am told to allow myself be grabbed by the shoulders and led by the soft between ribs. The ghost in haunt of my bedside seems inclined to agree. Sickening. I am trying not to set myself on fire. 

I suppose, in truth, that I am hoping it is okay to be bitter now until I am ready to put it down. I am asking for forgiveness until then. Forgive the thorns and the disappearances and the self mutilation. It is summer, and I am thinking of old friends. It is summer, and I am tearing at the floorboards to make way for new growth, feeding it with the skin beneath my fingernails. It will be enough, one day. 

—

Songs for if you want this to follow you:

Take My Head by Turnover 

“It’s the worst in the summer, those happy songs on the radio”

Jesus Christ by Brand New

“My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark”

Come On Mess Me Up by Cub Sport

“I fell in love with avoiding problems, and that was the problem”

—

Songs for if hope interests you more than misery:

This Love Won’t Break Your Heart by Annalise Emerick

“Should auld acquaintance be forgot, I’ll love you till the day I die” 

We Are the Love We Give by Imaginary Future 

“This is not some one-way mirror / Looking out at the world we're in / We are the love, we are the love we give”